Just some words and thoughts while I was in jail...
The judging mind is the unloving prosecutor to the degree that it WILL judge itself. Herein lies the healing statement of Jesus, "Judge not lest you be judged." Mercy is just the opposite. It is an opening to the heart rather than a mindless closing.
Now, mercy is a responsibility from which to "respond" to instead of the life-limiting action of "reacting" to.
To react with anger, rage, hatred, and lies is to act out over and over again to our inner pain with the same old sufferings. Mercy unites us; mercy unites the mind with the heart, which of course are in constant war with each other; judgement separates. Mercy is that voice of our "natural goodness". Judgement is that empty, cold, darkness between the heart and the mind. Mercy DOES NOT judge; judgement wounds; mercy heals; mercy is a BLESSING.
I've begun to learn how to become more loving just by looking at how unloving I've been in the past and how unloving I really am now. So, by recognizing the painful characteristics of anger, rage, hatred, and lies, and by experiencing this unbearable closedness in the mind and heart, I meditated on the areas of resentment and guilt and that place of separation from others and my deepest self. I just needed to find that sense of "rightness" in myself.
When I first attempted to bring love to myself I felt merciless. I had feelings of not enough. Feelings of being unworthy, self-indulget, or that it's just some sort of "cop-out". The idea that I didn't deserve it became quite noticeable wihin my heart. Grief came up with numerous arguments trying to pursuade me from going any deeper. It distracted me from letting go; it distracted the investigation of "healing peace". It dulled my own inner beauty and attempted to convince me that I'm not worthy of any sort of love. That I'm incapable of "lightenment". And that I'm a broken being that's going to stay this way forever. These pained thoughts have been repeating over and over and cultivating something much less fruitful than my consciousness will ever admit to. But by developing loving kindness towards oneself is to think of one's good qualities and replace the less wholesome energies all by themseleves.
Buddha said, "You could look the whole world over and not find another being more deserving of love than yourself." And this is exactly what I've done. I've focused a concentrated love on a being who is so deprived and so deserving of love. I then radiate this loving energy for the well being of others.
Now, I've been angry, and before I'm able to send out this real loving kindness to someone, I needed to confront my own sufferings first. I needed to learn how to generate love for myself BEFORE I could even open up to another being. So I found that even sending out loving kindness to another being while I was angry just created more of a separation. I really wasn't doing the both of us any good. So in that case, to be able to send love to another being, I must first be within my heart. It's a subtle yet tangible energy, which others can often feel and see. It's like an awareness in the heart; it's like the sun shinning through a magnifying glass to a shimmering point of light. Yet, the irony of the opening of the heart is that the farther the heart opens, the farther the heart has to close.
I've been so merciless with myself. And any amount of "love" in this life appeared as a miracle to me in my mind. Yet, a few moments of peace, of loving kindness, triumphed over the old limitations, imagined unworthiness, far, doubts, and desires. It's SO hard NOT to be loving!
Loving kindness allows one to become at peace with the mind and heart. They become synchronized with one another. It starts to become a clear path towards our "natural goodness"; towards "lightenment". Loving kindness is a lifetime's work.