Leia,
Since the first day I met you I fell in love. I can still remember that very first day... me standing at the bottom of that rickety stairway looking up at you. And you at the top looking down at me. It was at that moment I could just feel something was different than before. But come to find out later all you were looking for was just sex. You made a comment on the jail phone that in the beginning I fell in love with you and in the end you fell in love with me. In the end? Is this the end?
Now, I've decided to write you something because it's hard for me to get my feelings out and spoken into words to you. And I'm pretty sure you know why that is. Let me take you back a bit... remember when I would buy you cards and write inside them for you? That's me. Yet you ripped up every single one. Will this end up getting ripped up when we're all said and done? You said in the end, right?
Remember our first kiss? I still do. We were sitting on your Lani. You were at my right and I was to your left with my back against the wall. You had your glass of wine in your hand and I had my beer. You looked at me and asked me if I wanted to make out. Do you remember how I reacted? I was surprised. I felt a bit shy and nervous. I was totally not expecting that at all and my intentions that night were not to take it that far. I wanted to impress you. I wanted you to see that I wasn't some guy just looking to get laid. That I was a gentleman and not just some loser with a record. I don't know. Did it work?
Do you remember our walk we had with little Olive? Do you remember looking up at the stars? Do you remember me pulling out my stones out of my pocket and showing you? Do you remember? I do.
This brings tears to my eyes yet you swear I show no emotion. I guess I'm better at writing my emotions rather than showing them.
I know my words are just words. But there is something different about them. I write them from the heart. I write them so you can feel them. Not to hurt. Just to feel what I am saying.
That first night... that first kiss I will always remember. Why when I can't even remember my ex-wife's first kiss or the time we first met?
That night meant a lot to me. And maybe that's why I've held on. It was special to me. There was just something about you that was just special. Something special I couldn't let go of. That very first night...
I began writing this so you could remember. Because I do. I can close my eyes and still remember. It was the first time I saw those beautiful green eyes. It was the first time I kissed those soft lips. But you said in the end. So will it be the last?
I have put you through a lot of hell. And for that I don't have the words to take that back. I wish I did. All I can do is try and get back into your heart with this. Not with some empty promises or with some things you've heard before. But with something that might touch you from heart to heart. I just hope it isn't too late.
I've put you through things most women would leave a man over. I've said things that no man should ever say. Yet you still were there. Why? Why after all that were you STILL there? But I don't know if you will still be there this time. I'm sorry. If I could take it all back, I would. You are special Leia and you know that.
Please, I don't want you thinking this is another writing and I, I, I because it's not. It's about YOU... it's about I. It's about you AND I.
To be continued...
